It’s a cake walk.

Categorizing things often makes me feel at ease. Whether it’s a grocery list, storage in my bathroom or cook books on the shelf, finding a sense of organization helps me calm down and regain control. I do the same thing with my period. I’ve never had a very regular cycle (ever since I was taken off the pill in high school). I like to think I know when I am pms’ing and why (but I’m generally a moody bitch all the time) or when I have the most energy. My cycle’s frustrating irregularity – somewhat due to PCOS – keeps me guessing where I am at and how I can justify the way I am feeling. Instead of following the typical phases in a cycle – menstruation, follicular, ovulation and luteal – I decided to use the little artist inside myself, and create my own cycle in collage form.

The “I Think I’m Done Bleeding Now” Phase
I like to think that this is a brand new blank slate where I can start fresh, after 6-10 days of bloody murder. I feel inclined to go outside again, maybe even smile and get together with friends. I look back on the week prior and wonder why I always make such a big deal out of things. It was just a period, a lot CBD and approximately 165 tampons….and we made it, right? Now as long as I don’t make any sudden movements, the bleeding should be over…..
The “Do I Look Good or Is It Just My Eggs Talking” Phase
I think this is when I ovulate? Or at least it’s the one cluster of days a month I feel like the most efficient hot tamale on the planet. How could someone with a butt this cute NOT accomplish everything on a kilometer long to-do list, whilst trying to shamelessly flirt with all that crosses her path?
The “And Now Back to Regular Programming” Phase
Nothing other than naps, thick cut toast, chilled wines and soft rind cheeses exist here (a true Taurus). I am anxious but optimistic about the future. I want to relax in a bathtub full of pillows and cuddles. The social life is not the life for me. And with the amount of gas I have, I hope no one is looking at my cute butt anymore.
The “Hello Darkness My Old Friend” Phase
Real talk, the endometrial cramps I experience are excruciating. Like, I spend the entire month leading up to this week worrying about how I’m going to go to work….or poop. I also wouldn’t be able to wear pants if it wasn’t for elastic waistbands. My “favourite” tidbits of advice are “Drink lots of water and eat leafy greens!” or “Rigorous exercise is a natural pain reliever!” I think rolling a joint, eating 3/4 of a chocolate cake and splashing around in a pool of my own blood will do me just fine.

Despite how cute a collage of flower wreaths and wine might be, having an irregular cycle is tricky. I often feel frustrated and disheartened. What are your coping mechanisms to track or follow along with your body?

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